Tuesday, October 22, 2013

BUTT RAM!

Kyle can sometimes be really unaware of his  body and what it's doing while he's off in lala land. Sometimes when we're walking, he gets so close to me that he trips me up. So, we started playing a game where if he starts walking too close behind me, I suddenly stop and he runs into my butt. It's always a good laugh and it's one of those things that he tries to get me to do over and over again. He calls it "Butt Ramming".  Okay. I know, I know. "Butt Ramming"?!? Really, Ian? REALLY?!? Let me just reiterate that I did not coin the term - Kyle did. He doesn't have any context for what "butt ramming" might mean other than me ramming him with my butt, and somehow it slipped under my radar... until today.

On our way to Joelle's soccer practice, Kyle was tailing me again. So I stopped, he slammed into my butt, and fell down. Laughs all around. Of course Joelle wanted to get in on the fun, so she asked if I could do it to her. But we were going to be late for her practice, so I told her we would have to do it after practice.

We got to the field and Joelle began warming up, dribbling the ball around the field. I stood on the sideline with the other parents making small talk. A few minutes into practice, I see her stop and talk to the coach about something. She's laughing, but it looks like the coach is confused. Suddenly, she turns to me and yells "DAD! DON'T FORGET YOU SAID THAT YOU WOULD BUTT RAM ME AFTER PRACTICE!".

Uh...

Wow.

Shit.

Hmmm...

Looks like the coach got distracted and walked away. Maybe he didn't hear that. Maybe the other parents didn't hear either. Let's just give her a thumbs up and pretend like she actually said something entirely different. I'm sure if I act normal, anybody who heard it will assume that they heard her wrong. Let's see, what rhymes with "butt ram"?

And then, of course...

"DAD! YOU ALWAYS BUTT RAM KYLE. BUT YOU NEVER BUTT RAM ME! DON'T FORGET, OKAY?"

Oh boy.

"Okay, sounds good, babe! Go practice now, okay Champ?". Thumbs up.

Now I can feel people's eyes on me like laser beams searing holes into the side of my head. There's no getting out of this. Everybody heard it clearly. My daughter just asked me for a "butt ramming" after practice. Twice!

I need to explain, but it's going to be so awkward, And it's going to sound like a lie anyway.

I dont... I can't... Uh.

Just then, I noticed that Kyle was standing directly behind me again. So I yelled "BUTT RAM!", pushed my butt out, and knocked him over.

Kyle laughed. Got up, wiped his pants off, and said "Nice butt ram, dad."

Phew!

Kyle, if you're reading this and you're old enough, I owe you a beer. Thanks bud.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Dead Lions


At dinner last night, the kids were sort of playing with their food and making a bunch of meaningless noises - each of them lost in their own little bubble. So, Christina tried to get a conversation started.

Christina: How was your day, Ian?
Me: Good, but a little stressful. I had a lot of deadlines today.

Joelle immediately dropped her fork and tuned in. With wide eyes and a look of astonishment, she turned her head toward me and said, "You have dead lions at your office?"

Monday, February 4, 2013

Kyle The Jokester

At our kids' school the principal tells a student-submitted joke over the loudspeaker on Friday mornings. Kyle got his joke read a few weeks back. He was STOKED, and now he's all about getting his jokes read again. So apparently, he devised a plan to that end... 

In class he asked the teacher for extra supplies so that he could make an extra project for the principal. Then he asked his teacher if she could take him to the principal's office so that he could give it to her as a gift. She did, and after buttering the principal up a bit, he laid some jokes on her. Apparently, that worked because the she sent an email home thanking him for the gift and the chat and letting him know that she would be reading his joke this morning. 

Too funny. This kid's gonna do alright in life if he keeps this up.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Sexy Daddy


Kyle trying to butter me up after got in trouble for misbehaving this morning:

Kyle: You're my favorite dad ever.

Me: ... (mini-silent treatment)

Kyle: You're like the cutest dad in the whole world

Me: ...

Kyle: What's that word that means 'cute', and adults use it, but it's not really for kids?... Oh yeah! Sexy. I think you're really, really sexy, dad.

Me: Uh... thanks Kyle. .

My Son, Future Cave Man


Kyle just told me that he wanted to be a caveman when he grows up. I started to tell him that it wasn't a profession, but stopped myself. Because when I imagined what it might be like if he actually grew up to be a caveman, I realized it could be pretty cool.

When Christina and I are retired and want to go camping we could go visit Kyle and he could make fires and hunt for us and stuff.

People would ask me, "Hey Ian, what do your kids do?". And I could say, "My daughter is a patent attorney in Palo Alto, and my son, well... he's a caveman. He lives in Carlsbad".

This One Time, At Band Camp...


Christina and I are trying to teach Kyle the difference between conversing with somebody and talking at them. That kid can talk you to a bloody pulp. He doesn't care much if you are interested in what he's saying, as long as his words reach your ear. And it's unrelenting.

To combat this, when Kyle launches off into one of his filibusters about Ninjago, or superheroes, or whatever. She starts talk
ing about knitting (something he has no interest in), to help him understand that a conversation is a two-way street. And it seems to work. (Brilliant idea by the way, Christina)

So, this morning, I tried it. After about 15 minutes of rapid fire Ninjago trivia being crammed in my ear, I started talking about the proper way to set up a Photoshop file. And what do I get?...

"Oh, that's perfect dad. Because when I grow up, we're going to be working together doing art stuff and ninjago stuff all day long. I'll need to know all about all of this. Go ahead and talk for a little bit and then we'll get back to ninjago."

NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Slime!


Christina: Joelle, do you have to go poo-poo or pee-pee?

Joelle: Um neither. I have to slime.