New Words

Kyle coined a new word this morning - "pee-peeness". It's the measure of how much you need to go pee. 

You could use it in a sentence like this: 

"My pee-peeness is huge right now. Would it be okay if I used your bathroom?"

 Or...

If you are waiting line at a public restroom, and the person behind you really needs to go, you can say "Why don't you go ahead, my pee-peeness is much smaller than yours.

Boogers

At Lowes with Kyle. He brought goggles for us. Safety first, manners second.

Christmas Box

Best Christmas gift ever!

You Better Watch Out.

Santa's always watching you. Even at lunch... From the next table over.

Ninja vs. Street Sweeper

Kyle: Dad, what is a ninja?


Me: It's like a Japanses soldier.


Kyle: Hmmm, okay. I thought I wanted to be a ninja. But now I think I will be a street sweeper.

Breakout 2010

Broke out the cardboard and the adidas jumpsuits. It's Breakout 2010!

Game Time

While shopping yesterday, Kyle and I played a game called "Put your hands in your pockets, stand in one spot and count to one hundred". Kyle seemed a little underwhelmed by the game's ending, which was me saying "Yeah! You won". He played it 3 times. I don't think he'll let me play that game with him again, but it was a nice while it lasted.

On the List

I took 2 kids and a stroller to Pottery Barn today. A worker met me at the door and said "What are you looking for? I'll get it for you."

I didn't recognize her so I have to assume that the last time I took the kids there they posted our photos in the break room with a note that said "do NOT let these people roam unattended in the store".

References?

My 17 month old daughter sings along to Katie Perry's California Girls and dances her ass off to the G6 (slizzard) song. So I figured I would start looking for family therapists now. Any references?

Somebody Help Me

I have absolutely NO idea what time it is. I have a clock that says 8:00, one that says 6:00 and one that says 7:00 and Christina's phone says something different than mine. My kids are up, but it's dark out. WTF? I can't live my life like this. Somebody help me.

Battleship

Ugh, my kids are barfing. I feel like I'm on the losing end of a game of Battleship. First "J" got hit (Joelle). Then "K" got hit (Kyle). Everybody knows that "I" is next. Let's just get this over with. I wanna play something else.

Be Nice to Mommy

While dropping Kyle off at school this morning he popped his head out of the class as I was walking away and yelled across the hall, "Dad, I forgot to tell you something. Don't forget to ask mom if she would like to be a gypsy. We won't have a home and we'll just live everywhere. It will be fun, okay?"



Kyle's teacher: Oh, is Christina going to be a gypsy for halloween?



Me: No...



Confused looks all around.

I liked this one much better than on Wednesday when he yelled out "Daddy, don't forget to be nice to mommy, okay?". Way to put daddy on the defensive, bud.

Everest

Christina and I hit a major parenting milestone last week - last bottle for our youngest. It happened without any high fives or pats on the back. Just a silent acknowledgment of better days to come. Like two war-torn soldier coming off the battlefield, or two brow-beaten hikers coming down from everest. No words. Just a look like "Who's f*cking idea was it to climb that mountain in the first place?"

Check Please

One minute we're having a nice dinner at a restaurant, the next there's ice cream on floor, screaming kid #1 ushered out, full dinner plate and silverware on the floor, screaming kid #2 ushered out - all within about 5 seconds. CHECK PLEASE! 

Total blitzkrieg... sigh.

Clearing the House

Kyle and I just tore up the jumpy houses at the Silver Creek Sportsplex. There were two other families here but they bailed after Kyle and I started slobbering and sweating all over everything (for the record, Kyle did most of the slobbering). I need a new shirt.

There was something I was supposed to do...

Horrible sleep last night. I kept having a dream that I was on a date with Christina and towards the end of the date, I realized that I forgot to hire a sitter and the kids had been home alone for the past few hours. I was quietly stressing out over whether to tell Christina or not for fear that she would want to end the date early. LOL. So ridiculous, yet so plausible.

Thug Life

We were supposed to return our 1-day minivan rental on Friday. 2 days and 400 plus miles later it is sitting in our driveway completely thrashed. That's right, still living the thug life, baby. But with a mid-thirties, suburban twist.

Say What?

Christina: You're sister is going to be walking soon. She won't be a baby anymore. She'll be a toddler.



Kyle: Yeah, and then, after that she'll be a photoddler.



Christina: What's a "photoddler"?



Kyle: That's somebody who's job it is to take pictures.

Speed

Kyle's naked frolic through our backyard sprinklers took a more serious turn yesterday. Apparently, playground slide + water + naked bottom = speed. Poor kid FLEW off the slide and across the yard on his ass and started screaming "There's grass in my bottom! There's grass in my bottom!" Is it a sign of bad parenting when your kid is crying and your laughing your ass off about it?

Honey

Kyle: Are you making a rocket ship or a vacuum? 



Me: A vacuum



Kyle: No, that's a rocketship, Honey, not a Vacuum.



Me: (Double-take) Honey? Seriously?

I get "Ian" sometimes, but "Honey" is a new one. Not sure if I liked it or not. I'm just glad he didn't call me "Sugar Tits".

Get Me Out of Here

During bath time with Kyle and Joelle tonight...

Me: Uh oh, looks like Joelle just pooped in the bath.

Kyle: Yeah, it looks like she did.

Me: silent pause while I try to figure out my next move.

Kyle: I am not excited about this. Get me out of here.

Super Nose

My son has an uncanny ability to detect and identify sweets on my breath. It's annoying, cool, and creepy all at the same time. Usually goes something like this... I smell something. What is that. What are you eating. Open your mouth, can I smell your mouth (thrusts nose in my mouth). Mmm... I smell chocolate. Can I have some? Can I have some? Can I have some? (Repeat until Daddy's ears bleed).

Don't Laugh

Kyle: my underwear is my poo-poo's home.



Christina: but the toilet is supposed to be your poo-poo's home.



Kyle: no, the toilet is our old pet fish's home... Remember?



Ian: (thinking to self) don't laugh... don't laugh... don't laugh...

Gold Mine

The pacifier fairy came to the house today during kyle's nap and traded him a toy for one of his pacifiers. Tonight he put all of his pacifiers under his pillow. Hahaha, that kid didn't realize he's been sitting on a gold mine. Christina is so clever.

Science Lesson Needed

Kyle: This street has a lot of cracks in it. I think it is about to hatch.

Cross-Eyed

Me: Watch your head

Kyle: (pause with strange cross- eyed look) I can't see it because my eyes are on it.

Finally

Just taught Kyle how to play the Nintendo Wii. Finally parenting is going to pay off.

Lippy

Me: Kyle, where's the box you keep your books in. I want you to put your books away.

Kyle: Its in the car.

Me: No, I see it right there on the floor.

Kyle: No, thats not it. It's in the car, dad. Relax, don't worry about it, okay?



Geez, this kid is two and he's getting lippy with me already.