Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Joelle? Huh?!? Who's That?
Friday, November 18, 2011
A Royal Outlook
Monday, November 14, 2011
Scientifically Speaking, I'm Hungry
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Our Other Little Comedian
Monday, October 10, 2011
I'm SEXY and I know it!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Let's See if I Can Scare My Kid to Death
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Just like Daddy's
Friday, September 2, 2011
I'm the Best! Yeah?
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Secret Confession
I need Jay-Z to not be able to get the smell of spit-up out of his nose. No matter how many times he changes his clothes or takes a shower.
I need Beyonce to look down at her raw, chapped left nipple and wonder why a third of it is missing, and whether her baby ate it.*
* While I have no first hand experiences like this, I've heard of such tales, and it delights me to think that it could happen to even these people.
#sometimesicanbeadick
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Polite Beyond His Years
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Toddler Inquisition
Friday, August 5, 2011
I Make a Pretty Good Fergie
Blah La Blah Blah La
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Super Sister!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
These Boots Were Made For Walking... On The Roof
Friday, July 22, 2011
Waterslides and Golden Showers
I'll Take a 6-Pack, Some Smokes and a... Haircut?
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Shit Shea
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Will That Be Paper, Plastic, or a Fresh Pair of Underwear?
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Screw Ice Cream, Let's Dance!
In Honor of My Mom
Sunday, July 17, 2011
It's Funny... Because I'm Bald
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Awkward Wingman
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Raisin or Mashed Potatoes?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The Most Boring Bedtime Stories EVER.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Imaginary Frenemy
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Prentend Time
Friday, July 8, 2011
Huh? You Love Me?
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Mind Control
Kyle made this bracelet for me last week.
He typed it up on our label maker and it says "wow woo wow" - sounds happy people make. He said that it would make me happy when I look at. Sweet huh? That's what I thought until I realized his true intent...
This is a mind control device designed to weaken my parental control.
Example #1:
Me: Kyle, it's time to stop coloring. We have to go.
Kyle: I'm not done yet.
Me: Kyle, we're late and I'm starting to get upset.
Kyle: Look at your bracelet dad... (Sly look out of the corner of his eye , as if he just cast some sort of ecstasy spell on me)... Now how do you feel?
Example #2:
Kyle: Can I have one? Can I have one? Can I have one?
Me: No.
Kyle: Hey dad. Look at your bracelet!... (pause for bracelet powers to take effect)...
Now can I have one?
Unfortunately, I'm finding that it actually works a little bit. Somebody get this thing off of me. FREEDOOOOM!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Let It Out
Kyle: This Black-Eyed Peas remix is making me want to cry.
Me: Cry?
Kyle: Yeah, like cry with joy because it's so beautiful.
Me: Wow. Okay. Go ahead and let it out.
Finding Dinosaurs
Me: "Joelle, please stop picking your nose."
Joelle: "I not picking my nose. I finding dinosaurs."
The she pulled a large booger from her nose, held it in the air in front of her and said, "Whoa, look. It's a T-Rex!"
Dig on my gross little paleontologist. Dig on.
Friday, June 24, 2011
First Impressions
I brought my son to work today for 20 minutes while he waited for his mom to pick him up. He announced to everybody in the office that he LOVES to eat his boogers. We're gonna have to work on first impressions.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Little Marathoner
We told Kyle he could sprint the last 50 yards of his mom's half-marathon with her. In retrospect, I should have communicated a little better with Christina on that detail. Chaos ensued and the little dude almost took out a few runners.
We waited a little ways before the finish and I told Kyle he would have to run extra fast to keep up with her. Having just run 14 miles, she was a little out of it when she came by, and I think she forgot that he wanted to run the last bit with her, so she said hi and kept running towards the finish line. But Kyle had not forgotten. He took off after her... FAST, and Christina had no idea he was behind her. I was left standing there holding Joelle and a bunch of other bags, food and jackets, watching runners dodge him until he slipped out of my vision. Found him standing on the finish line about to get railroaded by some Kenyans. Haha!
Parenting fail #572...

Monday, May 30, 2011
Boss of Me
I'm both disturbed and a little proud of my son's budding manipulation skills...
Kyle: Dad, I saw a new book at the back of the car. Can you get it for me?
Me: I don't know where that came from. It might be for somebody else. Let's wait and ask your mom.
Kyle: You know, Mom doesn't have to be the boss of you.
Me: She's not. We make decisions together.
Kyle: Well then, you can just decide to go get the book.
Me: No. Let's wait and ask who she bought it for.
Kyle: Hmmm. Seems like mom is the boss of you.
Me: Nice try.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Confession
Secret confession: I LOVE doing my daughter's hair. Pigtails, ponytails, clips, ribbons... Some of my favorite things. Now I need to learn to braid.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Secrets
Kyle claims he has a rainbow colored baby named "Jackifer". It's a boy-girl mix and it only cries if it gets a splinter. Secrets can be so painful. Now I know how Maria Shriver feels.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Bedtime Lectures
I just got reprimanded by my kid. Not sure if I deserved it or not, but one thing is very clear... I'm completely out of my league in this house when it comes to verbal sparring.
Kyle got in trouble for spitting on another kid today at school.
Both Christina and I talked with him about it earlier today, but I thought I would use a bedtime story as a way to really drill home the fact that spitting is gross and that we shouldn't spit on people.
Every night Kyle sets the parameters for his story and then I make one up as I'm telling him (fun for him and sort of a creative exercise for me). Anyway, tonight he requested a story about a video game that he likes to play. So, I wove a story about how the main character in the game got in an argument with his friend and spit on him, and then nobody wanted to play with him anymore, and he was sad and lonely.
So, towards the end of the story Kyle stops me and says...
Kyle: Excuse me Daddy. Why are we talking about spitting?
Me: That's just how this story goes.
Kyle: Yeah, but there's no spitting in the video game. So, why are you trying to tell me a story about spitting? Is it because I spit on my friend today?
Me: What do you think?
Kyle: I think you don't need to do that. I already learned my lesson from Mommy on the way home from school today. This just makes me feel bad. And you're not supposed to do this with bedtime stories. Bedtime stories are supposed to be fun.
Me: ... Uh... Okay, let's just snuggle.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Parenting Warrior
Feeling like a warrior today. I'm a parental Samurai trained in the art of time-outs. Keep your hands and feet to yourself and everything will be alright.

Verbal Dream State
My mom used to say some pretty bizarre stuff if you started talking to her just before she fell asleep - sort of a verbal dream state. Tonight I started falling asleep while telling my son a bedtime story and did the same thing. Not sure exactly what I said, but something about Darth Vader, a beach ball, and some angry lady. Kyle seemed a little confused/freaked out when I finally snapped out of it. Hahaha.
My brother, Shea, and my mom would watch TV together and just when my mom's eyes were closing he wold turn to her and say something like...
Shea: Mom, can I have a bagel dog?
Mom: No, the dog needs a hat.
Shea: Oh, okay, what hat should I get for him?
Mom: The red one... no green... It's in the bathroom
Shea: What's in the bathroom?
Mom: They are. All of them... All those guys.
Shea: What guys?
Mom: Huh?
And so on and so on. LOL!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Pit Bull Jr.
This weekend Kyle told Joelle to "Back it up like a Tonka Truck". Might be time to rethink that hip-hop playlist. LOL.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Career Path
This morning Kyle told me that he wants to be an astronaut acrobat ninja when he grows up. Why didn't somebody tell me that was a viable career path when I was growing up? I'd be doing flips and throwing ninja stars on the space shuttle right now. Damn.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
So Close...
Kyle thinks it is "Sponge Bob Squirt Pants". Hehehe. I'm not gonna correct him because I get a kick out of it every time he says it.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Cranky Ian
My 18 month old daughter has stopped referring to me as "Daddy" and now only calls me "Cranky Ian". She thinks it hilarious. * Sigh* That girl's already figured out how to push my buttons.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Knowledge is Power
This morning on the way to school I could hear Kyle in the back seat mumbling letters and typing on his toy laptop.
Me: Whatcha typing, bud?
Kyle: You'll see... How do you spell "carnage"?
Yikes, who put the creepy in my kid this morning?
Monday, January 31, 2011
Toddler Rager
When dropping Kyle off this morning, his teacher said "I heard Kyle had quite the birthday party yesterday". Then I heard another parent say, "Birthday party? It was more like a frat party."
LOL. Not sure how to take that.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Toddler Travel
Kyle: Is Japan open even at night?
Me: Yes.
Kyle: Okay, good.
I don't know what this kid is planning, but I'm going to lock up his passport when I get home.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
On the Edge
We started keeping a squirt bottle in the car so that we can squirt anybody who screams or whines while we are driving. Works great, and the mean dad in me loves doing it :)
So, if you see me out and about and my kids are soaking wet, you'll know I'm on the edge.