Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Secret Confession

Sometimes I get really happy when I hear about successful people that are expecting their first baby. Not because it's going to be a beautiful and wonderful thing for them, but because I know that, in some ways, their life is going to start sucking :)

All I'm saying is that in order for me to feel like the universe is balanced...

I need Jay-Z to not be able to get the smell of spit-up out of his nose. No matter how many times he changes his clothes or takes a shower.

I need Jennifer Anniston to experience the embarrassment of accidentally taking a dump during delivery from trying so hard to push the baby out.*

I need Beyonce to look down at her raw, chapped left nipple and wonder why a third of it is missing, and whether her baby ate it.*

I need Ashton Kutcher to be in public, smell something awful, look down at his shirt, and realize that the baby he was holding at home 30 minutes ago must have had a leaky diaper because now he has shit stains all over his shirt, and there's no way to get a change of clothes (I know he's not expecting, but goddamit, I really need that to happen to this guy).

* While I have no first hand experiences like this, I've heard of such tales, and it delights me to think that it could happen to even these people.


Saturday, August 20, 2011

Polite Beyond His Years

Kyle: Dad, I love your breath. It smells so good right now.

Me: Yeah? That's weird, I haven't even brushed my teeth yet today.

Kyle: Well... It actually smells really, really, really bad. I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Toddler Inquisition

Today my 25 month old daughter has this conversation with her babysitter...

Joelle: Are you a married woman, like my mother?

Babysitter: ...(shocked)... Did you just ask me if I was a married woman?

Joelle: Yeah. Are you a married woman?

Babysitter: Uh... No.

It just so happens that our babysitter is very young, and recently got pregnant while engaged – none of which Christina or I have talked about in front of the kids. Way to give the sitter a complex, Joelle. And by the way, you just turned two. Shouldn't you still be babbling nonsensically? What's up with inquisition?

Friday, August 5, 2011

I Make a Pretty Good Fergie

Sometimes I second guess our decision to immerse our kids in pop-culture. But I gotta say, when we're in the car and Kyle and I sing "Just Can't Get Enough" (duet style), with him as will.i.am and me as Fergie... It just feels right.

Blah La Blah Blah La

Me: Kyle, put your shoes on (x1,000)

Kyle: ... (No response)

Me: Kyle, why aren't your shoes on?

Kyle: Oh, I didn't know you wanted me to do that. It sounded like you said, "Blah la blah blah la".

*Sigh* I'm starting to feel like Charlie Brown's teacher.