Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Secret Confession

Sometimes I get really happy when I hear about successful people that are expecting their first baby. Not because it's going to be a beautiful and wonderful thing for them, but because I know that, in some ways, their life is going to start sucking :)

All I'm saying is that in order for me to feel like the universe is balanced...

I need Jay-Z to not be able to get the smell of spit-up out of his nose. No matter how many times he changes his clothes or takes a shower.

I need Jennifer Anniston to experience the embarrassment of accidentally taking a dump during delivery from trying so hard to push the baby out.*

I need Beyonce to look down at her raw, chapped left nipple and wonder why a third of it is missing, and whether her baby ate it.*

I need Ashton Kutcher to be in public, smell something awful, look down at his shirt, and realize that the baby he was holding at home 30 minutes ago must have had a leaky diaper because now he has shit stains all over his shirt, and there's no way to get a change of clothes (I know he's not expecting, but goddamit, I really need that to happen to this guy).

* While I have no first hand experiences like this, I've heard of such tales, and it delights me to think that it could happen to even these people.


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